Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
