Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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