I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
