I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
