Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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