Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
