Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Drunk is not a location!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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