Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
