I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
