well you can't waste a boner
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
