Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
