So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
