I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
