Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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