it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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