Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
