Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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