guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I have feelings that need drinking.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
