I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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