New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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