I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
