theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
