Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
