she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
