Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
