A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Randomize
