I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i now understand why vodka
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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