I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
