Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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