Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
how drunk are you?
Several
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
