He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
