yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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