My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
