I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
