I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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