I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
