if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
