if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm at about main and main street
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
