not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
