You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
