I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
