when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize