Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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