I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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