The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize