I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
