twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
NoShamevember. You game?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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