I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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