I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
