My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
