If that was your dad, he is hot
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
