What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize