I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
