this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i love accidental penises.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
