It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
