That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
